This Isn't Heaven
by BeneaththeWords
Summary: Both freezing to death and a lost cause, Joel and Ellie accept their fate, and fight to convince themselves that things will be okay. [Put back up due to requests]


They had built themselves up from a grain of sand, a fragile sheet of glass that was now nothing more than a broken shard that pierced through their fortress of hope. And for a while it worked, because they had each other. Yet death was a bitter taste and so was the wind that matched the moans of the creatures that roamed that night where they used the snow as a blanket and the forest as a shield. The pine trees stretched father than they could see, but it was probably because soon they wouldn't. The trees were thick and enclosed them in the spot they rested, but that made them feel more secure than it did trapped. It was permanent, after all.

_"Now nothin' can take you away from me _

_We've been down that road before _

_But that's over now _

_You keep me comin' back for more" _

"Why an astronaut?" Joel had asked her.

"Because I bet it's better than this Hell," Ellie scoffed, but her voice was shaky as her body was trying to warm her. Joel laughed at that and though the circumstances were harsh, he still let one out in spite of it all.

"Yeah," he said wistfully, "I bet it is." Joel grabbed Ellie's frozen hand and swore he wouldn't let go, because they were in this together.

"We wouldn't have enough oxygen, though."

Ellie took her eyes away from the stars for a moment to look at Joel and smiled all cheeky, "I'm immune, remember?"

They weren't. No one was, but they would pretend they both were.

"We could be invincible," She whispered, and he gave her hand a squeeze, because he liked to think that they could be.

_"And baby, you're all that I want _

_When you're lyin' here in my arms _

_I'm findin' it hard to believe _

_We're in heaven" _

The minutes passed by as they watched through the cracks in the canopy of pine needles, and Joel appreciated the view, because some good was still brought out in this world. He learned not to take for granted, because the things he treasured most could be whisked away in a moment's notice.

And oh, he knew the feeling too well.

Every time Joel squeezed Ellie's hand she would squeeze back, and it would offer him relief every time she was quiet for an extended amount of time, because he knew you could die with your eyes open the expression of the past still lingering in your now hollow body. He must of repeated the action ten times by now, but he was just glad that her hand wasn't completely numb at this point.

"I can't feel my feet," She whispered, and her teeth were chattering more than ever at this point.

"That's okay," He whispered back, and it obviously wasn't, but he would somehow make it.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"Yes." He didn't know at this point, but he would pretend, because if they were immune, then they were okay.

"Then so am I." His throat was closing and it was hard to breathe, and he hadn't had to hold back a sob in so long, but it certainly wasn't unfamiliar.

_"And love is all that I need _

_And I found it there in your heart _

_It isn't too hard to see _

_We're in heaven" _

"We're dying, aren't we?"

He knew that she knew the answer, but she was a wishful thinker, and it broke his heart to crumble the last bit of hope seeded in her. He pressed his lips in a thin line and nodded, "Yes," He said quietly, because his voice would break if he said it any louder.

"We'll still be together, though, won't we?"

He shifted his head to the left and looked at her. Tears were visible on her cheeks in the moonlight and her lips were nearly completely blue. She was so afraid of being alone, and he sure as Hell wouldn't let her be.

"Hush now, Baby Girl, it'll be okay."

"What happens if you'r-"

"Close your eyes, okay? It'll be all right soon." He hoped it would be, but he couldn't predict the future. All he knew was that if they woke up, they would no longer be here.

Her eyes were now closed and she looked already empty, so he gave her hand a squeeze, and he almost cried when she didn't squeeze back.

* * *

A light breeze heightened his senses, and the warmth he felt from the hand he still held in his brought a smile to his face. His eyes peeled open, and the sight above him was one utmost beauty; a deep blue sky, white, puffy clouds, an oak tree that swayed in the soft wind. Ellie lay next to him, but this time her lips were no longer the icy blue they once were and the cuts that adorned her face had disappeared. Best of all, her eyes were no longer hollow and held a light that he thought he'd never see again.

_ "Oh - once in your life you find someone _

_Who will turn your world around _

_Bring you up when you're feelin' down" _

"Are we in Heaven?" Her voice was no longer rocky and held no sense of desperation, just curiosity.

Joel looked around at the the endless sky, the silky grass, the lack of trees that no longer kept them in their place, but they felt no reason to move on either. "I don't know," and he was honest about it, because it looked so beautiful, but part of him hoped that Sarah would be here, too. Part of him also knew he probably wouldn't reach Heaven, anyways.

_"Yeah - nothin' could change what you mean to me_

_ Oh there's lots that I could say _

_But just hold me now _

_Cause our love will light the way"_

"This isn't Heaven," Ellie stated and she sounded rather sure about herself.

"Is that so?" Joel asked with a hint of wonder in his voice.

Ellie shook her head. "Not yet."

"How do you know?"

"Just trust me on this, Joel."

And so he did and Ellie told him to wait, and that's what they did. The air around them was comfortable and the spot they lay was comforting, but apparently a nice view wasn't enough to keep them from hoping with all they had that this wasn't death.

_"And baby, you're all that I want _

_When you're lyin' here in my arms _

_I'm findin' it hard to believe _

_We're in heaven"_

"Maybe we're dreaming." Ellie wondered aloud.

"Maybe we are." Joel agreed.

"Maybe when we wake up everything will be back to normal." Normal as far as surviving went. "We'll be back in our cabin in January, taking things slow as your old ass gets better again."

Joel cracked a smile. "Old?"

"Maybe we'll find the Fireflies…"

"Maybe," Joel whispered .

"Or we're back to where we were, in that forest, freezing to death, but maybe we'll make it this time."

Joel just looked at Ellie with a grim expression, because deep down they knew it wouldn't be true.

"At least we're together," Ellie sighed, and Joel could see the glaze in her eyes.

_"And love is all that I need _

_And I found it there in your heart _

_It isn't too hard to see _

_We're in heaven"_

"We'll be okay soon." Ellie promised.

"I reckon we will be."

"Now go to sleep, asshole."

Joel closed his eyes as Ellie did hers, and when she didn't squeeze back this time, he wasn't afraid, because he knew they'd be together.

* * *

The ground beneath him was once again cold, and the air once again bit at his face, but his hand no longer held any weight and that caused his eyes to fly open. It was as if nothing had changed, but to him everything had. He could tell she was gone, because her presence was no longer felt, and when he looked beside him the spot that she filled just moments before was empty. He closed his eyes, and a tear or two slipped through his eyelids.

"Ellie?" He called out, and he hoped that if he kept his eyes closed long enough that when he opened them once again she would be back. "It will be okay," He whispered to himself, but he was now positive he wouldn't be.

_"And baby, you're all that I want_

_When you're lyin' here in my arms_

_I'm findin' it hard to believe_

_We're in heaven"_

So when he closed his fist and squeezed his hand tight and nothing was between it this time to never squeeze back, he realized that this wasn't Heaven.

Because he knew that she was in it.


End file.
